The two-word question that helped me overcome some of my darkest moments

I wish I could be as determined to become a lawyer as I was when I was 12-years-old. I knew it in my gut and in my core, and if that wasn’t enough, I was constantly reminded that I had the potential to become a great one. Now, as much as I would like to analyze this last statement and show you how I came to the conclusion that me having the potential to “become a great lawyer” was all due to the fact that I spoke too much, too loudly and debated with emotion, and nothing to do with an ability to argue and debate constructively; this isn’t the point of my article.

So, with no shock to anyone, I went to law school, graduated with a Bachelor and Masters in Law after 6 years, and finally came to the conclusion: I do not want to become a lawyer. This is where it hit me, THE ultimate question: What do I do now? What the fuck now? What now?

My hidden doubts over my academic years finally exploded. All those years of sticking to the choice I made at 12 came crashing down. All the pride and happiness my Middle Eastern parents felt disappeared at my “life-changing” announcement. Those two words started being my desperation. They reminded me of how lost and confused I was. How much of a disappointment I thought I was to my parents, to myself. I had a plan, and everything I ever thought I wanted just disappeared; and this question reminded me of it every day.

Now of course, again, I can detail how societal pressure and cultural expectations that are put on children to know what they want to accomplish in life before the age of 18 can be linked to early depression and is most probably one of the reasons for the massive pressure I had put on myself. But, again, not the point of this article.

“What now?” brought darkness after every setback and failure I experienced. It was screamed in my mind in a disappointing, frustrated, and angry voice. It was the voice in my head telling me how lazy I was, how much of a failure I was. And it didn’t stop at my “failed” law career, it also affected my personal life. After my “failed” relationships, I would think of “what now Natacha?”, you’re all alone and you have no clue why. What are you going to do now without the person you thought would be your person?

So, how did the two words that contributed to my early depression become the question that eventually helped me overcome those dark moments? Well, like every good story, I started small: I changed the tone of the question. Over the years, I’ve learned to accept this question and apply it to everything I do. Every little obstacle I faced, “What now?” has helped me move forward on a faster pace. I got a rejection? Ok, what now? I hate my job? Ok, what now? I am depressed? Ok, what now? I am heartbroken? Ok, what now?

“What now” went from what are you going to do now to survive and hide your failures, to what are you going to do now to just… be. “What now” became my fight song. I kept standing back up. The setbacks, obstacles and darkness didn’t reduce but they got easier to overcome, to accept, to understand that these are just phases in my life, little moments that can be answered with a simple question. I don’t even have to think too far ahead, just close enough to be able to understand that there is always something that can be done. That there is always a way to sit down, analyse the situation and come up with an answer to the question. And the beauty of it is that the answer doesn’t have to be a constructive one, it doesn’t even have to be an actionable one. A simple affirmation such as “time to not give a fuck” was enough to get me back up.

Slowly slowly, I started realising that I was too hard on myself, that all this pressure I carried on my shoulders was left there by no one else but myself. Yes, some events may have reaffirmed that the pressure existed, but it stayed there because I didn’t address it, because I was concentrating too much on what my next step to understand why I was lost and confused would be, and not on why should I feel pressured in the first place?

It’s ok to be lost, it’s ok to change your mind — it’s part of maturing, of evolving into the person you would be proud to be. There are always going to be moments in your life that will make you scream at yourself, trying to understand why you are the way you are. But it’s not about lingering on those thoughts, it’s about understanding that they are part of you and your life; that they are part of the process. What process you may ask? Who fucking knows! Just go with the flow, kick ass at being yourself, and remember that no one other than yourself is keeping that pressure on your shoulders.

So, now that I’ve found the solution to overcome some of my darkness, what now?